Trust and love

OK recently something happened that I won't get into detail about, but I felt a need to share these thoughts with those that really know me for who I am...I'm not an insecure person, but I do make big mistakes with friends and lovers that I truly care about, and for that, I haven't had a serious relationship in over 8 years.. This last episode made me realize that I don't deserve anyone until I learn how to shut the hell up and stop self destucting when things are good, but seem to go south...I also know that I have a tendedncy to talk too much about a subject, and it may be the very reason I hurt those I care about...I found my father is the exact same way, and he too, lives alone with no one to spend time with, and like he, the only thing that keeps me company is in a bottle...I don't want to be like this anymore, and I know I should go seek counselling, but I still think I can do this without it, and the fact is, I feel I need another chance to prove, not only to those that have value to me, but to myself moreso...I can't do it unless the one I did wrong is ready to talk to me though, if that person will ever talk to me again...I'm so lost right now about me, that I don't know what I am capable of doing, I could sit here and cry for days, weeks even, or just put a gun to my head and who knows, someone might recognize that it was me, but right now, I don't think anyone cares if I live or die.. I am indeed a villain that wears a hero's uniform because I always thought that I was serving justice to those that called me to terms...I guess I don't deserve any love or adoration from anyone right now, because I love or adore myself... wasn't trying to rant, but just simply make a point that it takes to build trust and seconds to destory it, I just wish it never happened to the one person I truly lean on when things are bad, and spend most of the time with, when things are good...I guess I'll go back into my shell and live like the hermit I'm supposed to be....

awwe.. hang in there.. and don't do anything unwise.. people do love you. Sometimes we do things that hurt the ones we love... it happens..

I've been going through something myself and was at wits end last night... and was feeling the urge to slit my wrists..Knew I wouldn't do it, but honestly the urge came to me...

sometimes when we have things out of our control and can do nothing about it.. well we can get all kinds of crazy thoughts...

we just can't give into any of them.. including thoughts if we are loved or not.. We love you my friend.. I love you.. hang in there..

I'd share a bottle with you but mine is pretty much empty and I have no idea where I am going to get money to buy another.. let alone pay rent next week..

LOL.. well I have enough in mine.. In fact I've got 2 bottles, but for now, I have to learn how to be a better person to those I love.. I know you guys love me, it's just I'm a point right now that I never thought I'd be at again, betraying someone close to me I spent years developing a love for, and destroying it just by simply having too much time on my hands...

just give it time.. perhaps things can be mended..

well anything can happen, but the thing is I have to expect the worst and hope for the best, if I don't then the surprise in my life will hit me like an oncoming train...to center of my head and heart...truth is right now, all I have now is time, and I plan on continuing to use it wisely...

The thing about you hon is that you are such a giving person, with most anyone. Very friendly, very open and very genuine. I'm sure that anyone, even this friend that you speak on, would see that and would be a fool not to recognize that you made a mistake, forgive you and move on.