Saying "I love you" in Code

Whatever your secret code is, speaking a private language doesn't just give you two a charge — it actually has the power to strengthen your bond. "Public displays of commitment — such as having a signal at a party to let each other know you're bored and want to leave — are better predictors of a couple's longevity and stability than public displays of affection, according to a recent study," says therapist Pat Love, coauthor of the upcoming book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. "That's because these acts show nonverbally that you think as a couple, that your partner's having a good time is as important as your having a good time, and that your commitment to each other is bigger than your commitment to almost anything else." (Not taking sides against your spouse in a heated cocktail-party political debate — or even something as simple as finishing your meals at more or less the same time — also counts as public displays of commitment.)

"Communicating in code reinforces your solidarity and rapport," adds Diana Boxer, Ph.D., a professor of linguistics at the University of Florida. "It not only shows off your identity as a couple, it actually strengthens it, and that makes you feel more connected."

Where Do Codes Come From?

Three words: your shared history

"When couples have a meaningful experience together, they tend to use a word or phrase as a shorthand way of evoking the entire experience," says redbook Love Network expert Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., couples therapist and author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. For Tessina and her husband, that word is "candles," because on their honeymoon, they passed out with candles blazing and almost torched the place. "Now all one of us has to say is 'candles' and we both laugh," she says.

Usually, codes are created at random, as was the case for Andrea Nemeth, 36, and her husband, Vadim Shleyfman, of Caldwell, NJ. "When we wave our hands in a shooting motion like a gun, we mean, 'I love you,'" Andrea says. Its origin? She can't remember! "We created it in some goofy moment," she says, and they now use it often.

What Code Can Do for Your LoveHaving your own shorthand is a time-saver, for sure. But your catchphrases and nonverbal cues can also help you put hard-to-express emotions into words, find a comfortable way to ask for sex, even say, "Why are we fighting, anyway?" Some of the surprising benefits of your secret language:

Code keeps "I love you" from being one-size-fits-all.When Anna Colombo, 37, met her man, she knew right away they were meant to be together. "Yet saying 'I love you' was not my thing," says this native of Italy who now lives in Salt Lake City. "So one day I told him, 'You're my home.'" More than 10 years of marriage and two kids later, the pair say these three magical words all the time. And their pet phrase has new relevance, she adds, "since we left Italy and our families and friends to move here."

So why not just say "I love you"? "Code is extra-intimate, because it says that you and I have been through this thing that nobody else has," says Tessina. "It's absolutely specific to you two." And if you're not a Hallmark kind of couple, it also lets you personalize the tone of your "I love you," as Shannon and Daniel McCauley of Philadelphia do. "I often call him 'a half-witted, stuck-up, scruffy-looking nerfherder,' to which he replies, 'Who's scruffy-looking?' — in perfect Han Solo timing," says Shannon, 32. "We also sign every email with 'I.M.S.' It stands for 'Implied Mushy Stuff.'"

Code lets you be private in public.No matter where you are or who else is around, code creates a space for just you two. When Stephanie Hahn-Schmidt and her husband started dating, he was working for a paving company, side by side with big, burly guys' guys. "Every time he called me from a job site, he was embarrassed to say 'I love you,' in case someone was listening. So instead he would tell me, 'I like you,'" relays Stephanie, 38, a mom of four from Lodi, WI. "We've been married more than 11 years now, and we still say it to this day."